WHAT DO YOU WANT?

I MADE IT!

Standing in front of a large group of his fellow co-works John not only received the coveted sales manager of the year award but the President of the company announced his promotion to Managing Director; the position that John had dreamed about getting. He could remember all of the extra tasks and projects he committed himself too and all of the extra hours he put in over the past 12 months really trying to make an impression. John sacrificed some of his regularly scheduled date nights with his wife, missed some of his daughter’s soccer games, he did not even celebrate his own birthday in pursuit of a better position. Sacrifices that he and his wife agreed would be okay during that year so long as it would pay off in the end; which it seemed to. That was two years ago and John has been miserable for the past 14 months. He is really not enjoying the new role that he has worked so hard for and he is struggling deeply to make sense of how everything in his life can fit together. When was the last time you worked extremely hard for something? Putting in countless hours heavily investing your emotions? It may not have been work related it could have been anything like a new relationship, parenting, new car, new house, moving to a new city, etc… If you have ever found yourself not happy with something after you worked so hard to get it then you can relate to what John is going through and what I am going to be discussing here.

WHAT HAPPENED?

Well, we live largely in a task oriented society where great value is placed on setting and attaining goals. We are taught that direction is what gives people purpose and the attainment of goals provides a feeling of moving toward success and meaning. If you don’t have a goal/s and some type of plan for attaining them then what do you have? On the surface John had been very successful the Managing Director position was exactly what he and his wife had sacrificed so much for. This position was going to give them some extra money month after month giving them a “Cushion” of comfort. Living pay check to pay check was stressful at times and now they don’t have to worry about the money near as much. Family vacations became a possibility for them as they could not afford to take them very often in the past. This promotion seemed to give them everything they wanted. Has this type of situation ever happen to you?

What John needed to learn was that life is not about getting what you want. We see that on the cover of every tabloid around the world. Billions of dollars a year are generated by stories of celebrities that have the world at their finger tips; unlimited financial resources, amazing homes, insane vacations, dream weddings, cool cars…total freedom to do what they want when they want and yet they are still not happy. Of course the rest of us are okay watching celebrities loose it in public because it makes us feel better about not being wealthy and famous; it becomes okay that we have not achieved. But what these celebrity warning stories have to teach us and what we all need to learn is that getting what you want cannot provide you with a since of happiness or fulfillment unless it provides you with what you NEED! That’s right…getting what you need and not what you want is the key to a fulfilling, happy, and engaging life. Now that is not to say that they are mutually exclusive – sometimes getting what you wanted satisfies your need. So the trick is to really understand what you need so that you can plan your goals effectively.

SO WHAT DO I NEED?

You can conduct countless searches on the internet or read a 1000 books on the subject of human needs and alternate variations of needs psychology but at the end of the day Chloe Madanes and Anthony Robbins have put together an accurate and simple view of human psychology which they state contains six needs which are; CERTAINTY, UNCERTAINTY, SIGNIFIGANCE, LOVE/CONNECTION, GROWTH, AND CONTRIBUTION.

Certainty – think of it as predictability; knowing that things will remain consistent; things that you can count on.

Uncertainty – Variety or the unexpected – humans have a need to break away from the mundane nature of predictability or they become bored.

Significance – to have a meaning – to be purposeful; to have importance

Love/Connection – the need to be valued by others – To have intimate connection and closeness.

These four needs are vital to our very survival and must be met in some way regardless of the quality of the attainment. Not all of these needs must be met at a given time in fact people often only meet a couple of these needs through a single behavior or routine of behaviors at any given time. The more needs you meet through a single event the more likely you will repeat it or possibly even gain an addiction to. For example, look at a person who is addicted to control; ever met a "control freak?" If someone is in need of controlling everything and everyone in their lives is a person who has a great deal of fear and does not handle uncertainty very well.  Think of the level of Certainty when you believe you control everything – "I know what is going to happen because I make it so." Uncertainty – is only met by certain activities such as public events - typically tightening up the control in those cases; there is also variety in the number of ways in which a person can create a controlling environment. Significance – I'm important to everyone in "My World" because nothing happens without my permission; I am in control of how I am feeling. Love/Connection – This person usually sacrifices the love aspect and settles for the illusion of connection - feeling connected solely through control and other people’s perceived need for them. At any given time a person who attempts to control everything can meet 3-4 of their primary needs at any given time. However, you could have a behavior that is more agreeable and helps others in the process. If you were constantly praised for being so nice and found that by being passive and agreeable people connected with and even loved you then that would be a good reason to continue a particular behavior. So as you continued pleasing people you found that there was Certainty in your approach and ability to make people feel good, but Uncertainty in the variety of ways to make people happy. You felt significant because it was your mission to make others happy and you found connection and sometimes love from those that you have made happy. The downside is that you concentrate so much on making others happy that you neglect yourself at times. So it is always important to find the balance.

Now let’s look at the last two needs referred to as your Spiritual needs:

Growth – Is linked to our primal instincts (survival of the fittest) we need to grow in order to compete. Not only that but if we lack the need for growth we become stagnated and eventually die - metaphorically speaking. Have you ever been "Stuck in a rut?" this may have been a big part of the reason why.

Contribution – This is a need for us to give beyond ourselves - The service attitude - linking back to a primal instinct for group survival. It was necessary for individuals to contribute to the whole of the tribe in order for the tribe to flourish and survive.

What John had to discover was his primary need and how he could attain that in any circumstance. What he learned was that he above all he needed Love and Connection with his family. All the work that he put in and the sacrifices that he made were so that he could have time with his family. Once he understood this need and the drive and passion he had to attain it he refocused his energy, set new goals, and began working toward what he needed; love and connection with his family.

SO WHAT NOW?

Start by really drilling it down. When setting your goals to get what you want keep in mind the two types of goals, Means and Ends. When planning for things in your life you need to understand what the END is – what outcome do you wish to attain? Why do you want it? The why you want it should be an emotion and you should be able to relate it to at least one of your six needs. By understanding the emotion and need behind the goal you will create the motivational force necessary to push you toward the end goal. Means goals are different in that they look at how you can get to the end that you seek. The great thing about means goals is that you can operate with more than one in mind at a time, they are flexible, and can be changed (adjusted) as you go along. Means goals however should be directional and in-line with achieving your end goal. Often time’s people focus on very large mean goals and get lost in the process of getting what they really want and how that want meets their need. At times people will confuse the mean goal for the end goal like John did in getting his promotion. It wasn’t the promotion that he really wanted which is why he was feeling unfulfilled in his new role. What he was really after was having the perceived opportunities of freedom and comfort that would afford him time to connect with his family and to bring even more love them. What John has learned is that by clarifying what he needs at an emotional level he can plan more effectively and appropriately to get what he needs.

Write down what you really want and work the process through to identify how it relates to your emotional need. Once you identify the NEED that you have begin to brainstorm ways in which you can get what you need by doing other things – creating means goals for yourself. If you can identify other ways to meet your needs more immediately it will change your whole outlook on the direction of your life.

Stay Focused! 

WHO'S DRIVING?

WHERE YOU HEADED?

In order to get where you want to go and be fully vested in the process of change you have to DRIVE that process yourself. You have to plan the trip: set the destination, budget the money, plan the transportation, figure out where you are staying, organize the time line, etc. There are a myriad of things that must be consider when planning a trip and it all starts with the final destination in mind. You cannot get where you want to go if you do not know exactly where you are headed.

Picture the last time you planned a vacation reflecting back on how excited you were to go. You shared with those you know your excitement of "getting away" and taking time for yourself. You probably were so excited and shared it so often that people were tired of hearing about it and they wished you were already gone. As the time drew closer for you to set off on the trip you began to get even more excited, more invested. Dreaming about it night after night hearing the sounds of the beach; the waves crashing onto the shore, hearing the birds in the air, the people playing; Smelling the suntan lotion, the food cooking on the grills; feeling the sand between your toes and the cool water splashing against your body as if you were already there. You envisioned your destination with such detail that you were living the experience even before it actually happened. When you plan for change in your life you MUST picture it in the same way, you need to see it as if it has already happened and live the change even before it is fully actualized. The more you are connected to the change you want to make and the mapping process the more you will mobilize your entire body to move you toward the end goal; the destination.

AUTO PILOT

Think about the last time you forgot how to get where you needed to go. While driving to a friend’s house one evening for dinner I lost my direction when I had gotten off the freeway and entered into the back roads. Which was odd because I had been to this couples house several times before; yet I could not remember for the life of me the more specific details of the route. Jumping on the freeway and heading South was easy in fact, I didn't even think about it; I was in such a trance that by the time I consciously thought about where I was headed I was half way there. But when it came time for me to remember the street names, landmarks, and other details of the route I could not. My wife laughed when I told her that I had forgotten how to get there. How was it that I could forget? Simple, each time we had gone to our friend’s house in the past my wife did the driving so I didn't really pay attention to the specifics. When you are driving the car you’re engaged and mindful of the direction that you are going and you pay attention to the little things around you that matter. You deploy the mental faculties needed to answer the central question "How do I get where I need to go without getting lost?" If you are letting someone else drive your change process then you will miss out on some very vital details that could mean the difference between getting lost on your journey or ending up where you want to be. So how much control do you give to others? How much control do you allow yourself to have? Answering these question honestly will help get you moving toward your goal/s.

LOCUS OF CONTROL

There is a continuum of control that helps people in perceiving and experiencing the world around them.

INTERNAL ------------------------------------------------------------EXTERNAL

Internal locus is the extent to which you feel you control the world around you; you feel that your behaviors are directed more by personal choices. On this end of the spectrum you have total power and mastery over your experiences and behaviors. On the opposite end sits the External locus in which you are much more reactive to the world believing that you have no control over the world a whole and your behaviors are motivated by those things that happen to you; you may belief more in fate or luck rather than self-directed results.

Bear in mind that one side of the spectrum is no better than the other and for the most part people fall somewhere in between rather than living in one extreme. The idea however, is to really look at where you are on the continuum so that you can begin to understand a little better how you are motivated toward action. It is important to note that if you fall closer to the external locus side you may find that it is more challenging for you to reach your goals even with a clear plan because you may not be fully vested in the idea that you create your own change or you may only try something one or two times and chalk the failure up to "I guess it wasn't meant to be." The more you move toward the internal locus you will gain greater confidence about your change capabilities.

Ask yourself a couple of question: use a 0-5 scale 0 being completely disagree and 5 being completely agree.

1.     How hard you work directly reflects your level of success?

No matter how hard you work if people don’t like you, you can’t succeed?

2.     Making plans is what moves people toward accomplishing goals?

Making plans is good but most of the times life gets in the way; what’s the point?

      3.    No matter how hard you try, some people just don't like you?

People who can't get others to like them don't understand how to get along with others?

4.    People are who they are as a result of their experiences?

People are who they are because of their families?

5.     Getting what I want has little to do with luck?

Getting what I want is a coin toss – 50/50?

6.     Most political problems are caused by people’s lack of action and participation?

No matter how much you get involved government shapes itself?

Look at the first set of questions which are indications of Internal Locus did you place more value when it came to those questions? Did you score higher in the second set of questions? Were you even? This is a reduced questionnaire and is in no way comprehensive but it helps to get you to think about the level of perceived control you have in life. If you have set goals in the past and have not been able to reach them perhaps you are predominately guided by an external locus? 

A question that seems to come up a lot is “Do I need to fully change my locus before I can start reaching my goals?” and the answer is no! However, you will at the very least need to compartmentalize your locus. If at your core you feel that life is all directed by fate then you may have some difficulties. Although, if you can say that not every aspect of life is pre-ordained and can separate things to give you control then it may prove easier. In your Business life for example if you Believed that business success was guided more by you and your level of participation and less by happenstance then it will be much easier for you to obtain your goal/s.

WHAT’S NEXT?

 Well, let go backwards to get to the beginning. Recognize where your locus of control is and adjust accordingly. If you are predominately external then start looking at ways to take control of certain areas of your life to drive change; you must be in the driver seat! The next time you are in a situation where you find yourself saying things like “That’s just how it goes.” Or “I don’t know why I make plans anyway?” stop! Instead, ask yourself what you can do next in that given situation to move toward progress. Don’t give up on it focus on the outcome that you want and push towards it.

Think of a time in your life when you were really determined to have something; a time when you were unstoppably driven. The more people told you that you couldn't have what you wanted the more determined you got and the harder you tried to get it. Remember that time so that you can recall it at will. Whenever you need pure determination reflect on that time in your life. How you felt about wanting it, how it made you feel just thinking about attaining it. Regardless of your predominate locus there is usually a time in your life where you took absolute control and left nothing to CHANCE. You have to get rid of the designated driver in your life and take the wheel yourself if you really want to reach your goals. Keep in mind that this is all precipitated by your VISION for where you want to end up. Visualize your destination with vivid colors, clear sights, and distinct sounds. The more detail and emotion you breath into the vision of your destination the more real it will become and the more determined you will be to get there. 


Hopefully, this will help put you in the driver seat. Questions or need assistance email me at focusedwise@yahoo.com    

AS IF...

Lying in bed this morning your nagging alarm clock begins to sound demanding that you get out of bed and start your day. Something that you are sarcastically really excited to begin because all you have ever wanted in life is being fulfilled single handily from your work desk. Reluctantly, you ooze from the bed and begin your ritual for starting your day. Slowly, you drive to work looking for any excuse to prolong your arrival. So you stop at Starbucks for a Grande in the hopes that its magical properties will mix with your 8am shot of 5 hour energy giving you what you need to make it through the morning; all the while wondering to yourself "Why they don't make an 8 hour energy supplement?"  As you walk into the building you are greeted by co-works who are just as happy as you are to be there which sets the tone for your morning. In a trance like state you begin your work as you gaze at the clock waiting for lunch to arrive. "This isn't the job I wanted." you tell yourself as you secretly look at the Careerbuilder job postings that pop up on your iPhone while longing for a change. Finally, lunch time has arrived; well its ten minutes prior to your designated break time but hey you need to get away and no one is watching anyway right? While at lunch you sit with a couple of co-works and the three of you commiserate over the mundane nature of your work building a laundry list of complaints when you think to yourself "Why can't I just be happy?"

  

If you have ever felt this way you then you know how trapped you feel in this situation and if you are currently feeling like as though your career is in a rut I want to offer you hope. This all too common feeling of career burnout seems as though it may be impossible to solve. You feel stressed out in your job so you acquire a new one only to feel the same way in that job less than 2 years later. Is it that you continue to take on unfulfilled work or could it be the way you view the work that you do? 

LANGUAGE PATTERNS

Kim was a sales women for a medical device company and did well for herself. When she originally got into sales 12 years ago she did so hoping to make the BIG bucks. She would work hard learning the product knowledge, she met with the companies top performers to learn their strategies, and focused on building her pipeline for success. After 12 years there seem to be really only one consistent pattern that emerged from the prior 12 year work history and that was her consistent company changes. Looking at Kim's resume one could not help but to wonder why she moved companies nearly every three years. Feeling stressed out and burned out in her current sales role it seemed as though Sarah was feeling as something was missing although she couldn’t pin point the problem. Coming up on her third year with her current employer Kim was starting to look for a new opportunity and was feeling quit stressed over finding the right position. She was even considering getting out of sales all together and was exploring her options in other fields despite the fact that her sales number were fantastic. It seemed as though Kim was experiencing a mild crisis of identity and really looking for fulfillment from her next job. What Kim was unaware of at the time was here guiding values and belief system that  had been directing her behaviors. When working with Kim it was important to have her identify immediately some of the assumptions that she held regarding a career in sale. After a couple of quick exercises Kim learned that she held a value deep inside her that women CANNOT attain the same success levels of men in business, that women MUST work twice as hard as men, that women can ONLY make half the money that men do despite their effort, and that there are NO advancement opportunities for women like there are for men. The Great Psychologist Carl Jung stated the "Perception is projection." meaning that the perceptions that we hold at a deep level regarding the world around us will be projected into the world in which we operate. Kim held deep beliefs that she MUST work harder than her male counter parts and even though she would do twice the work she could NEVER earn as much money or attain the same level of advancement; and as her resume reflected she project her limitations into her world and sought out new career opportunities due to her perceived limitations. Reviewing here sales track record it was clear that she would always attain a level of success that did not exceed her male counterparts and when her sales projections were trending toward the top 5% of sales people in the organization she felt the urge to leave the company; why?  Because she was afraid that she would meet her sales projections. Interestingly enough the very thing that she wanted, the BIG money was the very thing that she would ran from because her desire to attain her financial goal ran counter to her value system that she is NOT allowed to attain that goal because she is a WOMEN. By attaining the level of financial success that she desired she would have no longer been a WOMEN but something else entirely and that threatened her identity. So to avoid becoming non-women she preserved her identity by switching jobs and starting over rather than experience the fruits of her labor and rising above her male counterparts.

By listening to Kim describe her value system it is impossible to look passed he language patterns. She used words like MUST, ONLY, and NEVER which are generalizations that prevent you from seeing a world with options. This type of language at a subconscious level is communicating to your conscious mind that you do not have free will to act, feel, or think the way that you want to. No wonder she was feeling lost and uncertain about her life, career, and her very identity. Imagine how you would feel or how you might be feeling right now thinking about your life with no free will; You would feel TRAPPED! Being trapped is linked to your survival instinct; the level of your being that needs to preserve itself for the sake of life. By utilizing the language patterns that Kim was using she was relating to her performance as a life or death situation for which she had no control. To attain the success she wanted would mean certain death but to not reach her goals made her feel insignificant which becomes an extremely difficult place to be.

“AS IF”

Now, going back to the original scenario the ladies are all sitting around the lunch table spewing their feelings about the company and their position and all your really wanting is to be happy. My suggestion? Excuse yourself from the table and find a quite place that you can go to be alone. Breaking patterns is a great way to begin to complete alter your states of mind which prepares you for a transformation. If you really desire change in your life and you want to be happy no matter where you are and what you’re are doing then you have to embody the change; you need to live “As if” the change had already taken place and pursue life in a manner that is matter of fact. That can all start with some pretty simple pattern changes and external model influences. By removing yourself from the discussion you can take yourself away from the negative language patterns that are influencing you and begin to replace them with more empowering words and values. Be aware that we become what were surround ourselves with. If you surround yourself with people how devalue themselves and use language patterns that steal away the free will then eventually you will take on the say patterns of belief. You have heard the phrase “Fake it until you make.” Well, the “As if” process is similar but where the fake it until you make process breaks down the “As if” process really goes to work. By living the changed life we engage the subconscious mind to gravitate toward the life we want, pulling us to it. Our subconscious mind is always working and one of its functions is to act like a magnate pulling us toward our subconscious desires. By focusing on the change that you want you will be able to develop a road map for getting to where you want to be. In the first scenario all you are looking for is to be happy. So each and every day spend 10 minutes in a quiet place and really envision your changed life. The way that you carry yourself; the body language you use to communicate happiness to others. Picture how you talk to people and the positive language you use to communicate your happy values. Continue this process every day growing to 20 minutes of meditation time speaking out loud that you are happy. Just do this for 10 day (business days) and if you do not see a change in your life and the way you view things then you need to revise your goals and recalibrate your mantra’s or incantations and try it again. If you are truly committed to being happy and you tell yourself that you are allowed to be happy then you will be happy. Embody the change, Gandhi once said "Be the change you want to see in the world." What Gandhi is saying is embody the change, become the change in every way everyday and the change will begin to form in your life.

Here are a couple of things you can do everyday to start working toward what you want:

1. Develop a Mantra - A Mantra is a word or a phrase that you use to command your subconscious mind to focus on a new set of values that redirect your behaviors. Thus embodying the change you want to become. Mantras are verbal incantations that involve the body and the mind; they are to be said out loud emotionally with intent and focus. For example: Everyday in Every way I grow (fill in the blank - stronger, wealthier, happier) BECAUSE (the because part is important because reasons create direction and demand action; it creates mental importance). So one of my first Mantras that I used went something like this.

     Everyday in every way I AM EMPOWERED because my God in heaven gives me strength and the courage to face anything. I would repeat this for 10 or more minutes out loud on my ride into work. The more intensity you use and the more opportunity you have to focus on your mantra the greater the reprogramming effect you will experience.

2. Change up your routines and your patterns - For example, first thing in the morning I use to wake up, take a shower, then go down stairs to have breakfast. To break my pattern I ate breakfast first then took a shower. breaking your patterns reaffirms that you have choice, that you are not trapped by your routine. Additionally, it helps to create a sense that changes is possible, voluntary and not harmful - because we have been trained cultural that change is SCARY when its not; in fact change is necessary.

3. Choose your influences - Like the initial example, if you continue you to mingle with those with negative belief sets then you will eventually develop them. Instead of meeting with them everyday perhaps you can reduce lunches together to a weekly activity so that you can have some time to spend with yourself engaged in more positive behaviors. Or find someone in the company that you admire and see if they would like to have lunch. You don't have to change your friends but your circle of influence should be positive and if it is not then you need to focus on what you want more immediately and when you are better equipped to ward off their negativity then incorporate them back into your life in a productive way.

This is in no way a comprehensive plan to create lasting change but it will help alter your state of mind and begin to help pull you away from defeating beliefs and behaviors and get you to focus in the right direction. If you are serious about specifically outlining your goals and developing strategies to obtain what it is that you want then I encourage you to begin learning some of these techniques. You can get books from the local library or find a class or seminar that will work with you to develop the skills needed to create lasting change in your life. 

 It is my hope that you get what you want this year!