Focus Daniel Son!

          So it has been nearly 5 months since the last post and a lot has been happening. In September I decide to take my thoughts and place them into a book that I am going to publish early next year. One of the things that I touch on heavily in those pages is the power of the mind and how we are the one's that create our own realities...the good and the bad. Now this is something that has been touched on in this blog before but it seems that many people that read my blogs or visit me on other sites continue to ask me questions about how they are creating their own realities. So let's unpack this a bit more from another perspective.

           If we were to peel back all of the layers of what makes our realities day after day what it would come down to is the lens in which we CHOOSE to view the world. This lens represents our state of mind and the thoughts that dominate both our subconscious and conscious mind. In essence, what you constantly think about you will bring about. This is not a new idea; this understanding has been written about in ancient writings, it is found in the bible, referred to broadly as mindfulness in eastern religions, and was the spark that created the Secret phenomenon. But it isn't enough to know that this is the truth, it is about how we can learn to be mindful enough if we do it at a subconscious level.

           To begin you must approach this state of mind from as a conscious and deliberate action. What is to follow are some simple steps that you can execute over the next 30 days to really begin changing the way you see the world.

1. Start each day in Prayer - meaning from the moment you wake up find a place in your house were you can be comfortable and free from distraction and pray; (there is no time requirement here) just list all of the things that you can imagine being grateful for in your life no matter what it is; nothing is too small to be grateful for. One morning I went out to my car to go to work and my car would not start. Being in a state of gratitude I thanked God that I had a car that could be broken and I was extremely grateful that I had people in my life that could help me to work. Having a attitude of gratitude frees up the mind to help you see beyond the problems or stresses you experience and helps you see a solution.

2. Start each day with intention - before you leave your house for the day plan out what it is that you want from the day and be specific. Set a goal for the day and envision yourself accomplishing that goal. Visualization is a very powerful way to move you from where your are to where you want to be.

3. Keep a daily journal (you only need to do it for 30 days so don't complain just commit) - in your journal or daily log be sure to list thinks that you have to be grateful for. This comes in handy when you are feeling discouraged or you begin to dwell on the negative things going on around you. Once you feel yourself starting to think in a negative way stop yourself immediately and write in your journal or log something that you can be grateful for instead.

4. Before you go to sleep - take a few minutes in a quit place and express your gratitude again for the things that you have in your life. Then before going to sleep spend some time envisioning what you want your day to bring tomorrow.

Repeat for 30 day or the rest of your life...

           Now you are probably thinking what many have asked me, "What do I do when I find myself in a state where I am feeling angry, sad, mad, frustrated, anxious, insert any negative state of being here?" Well, here are a few easy steps for that too:

1. Well, the first step is to recognize that you are in the undesired mood, take responsibility for being in that mood - you cannot blame people or circumstances only yourself. Decide that you want to change that mood and focus your thoughts in that area. Think of a time when you felt the emotion that you want to feel in the given moment. Think of that time; the sights and the sounds; really put yourself in that mood. Continue to think of other times when you felt that way and continue to stack those experiences one on top of the other until you are in the desired state.

2. Ask the right question regarding the mood state - Ask yourself "What must I believe about this situation that would make me feel this way?" look at the finite nature of the circumstance, realizing that no matter the level of your anger, frustration, sadness, etc... it will go away and things will improve. Next, ask yourself "In what other way can I view this same circumstance?" The idea behind this type of question is two fold, you are first attempting to stop the negative thinking in its tracks and setting your mind to process something other than the negativity. Remember, there is always a multitude of  ways to view the same situation so if need be think of as many ways as you need to in order to see the circumstance in a positive light. Keep in mind that in the beginning this feels difficult because it is something new to you, but know that like anything else, the more you practice the better you will get. Asking questions will not only stop the negative thinking immediately but it sends a signal to your brain that this type of thinking is not acceptable. Coming up with alternatives provides the mind time to refresh and re-assess what is happening. you are giving your mind a window of opportunity to free itself up from the stress, anger, etc... that is moving you away from how you want to feel.

3. Change you mind - say to yourself that you are not going to allow your good mood to be disrupted and that you will only focus on the good in any situation - the conscious decision over time will develop into empowerment and confidence that no matter the circumstance or situation you can handle it. You will learn that your emotions are at your command.

As I begin to release myself from a negative state I pick my favorite up beat song and listen to it or sing it over and over in my mind while I put on a smile. Music works for me and when I can't listen to music I sing it  to myself. Identify what makes you smile and brings you joy and refer to that to help set you in the right direction. And yes, I said put on a smile because sometimes you have to fake it til you make it. With an upbeat song and a smile it won't be long until your body naturally joins into the excitement and completely changes your state.

As Porky Pig would say "That's All Folks!"


If you have any questions feel free to contact me by commenting to this post or sending me an email to www.focusedwise@yahoo.com

AS IF...

Lying in bed this morning your nagging alarm clock begins to sound demanding that you get out of bed and start your day. Something that you are sarcastically really excited to begin because all you have ever wanted in life is being fulfilled single handily from your work desk. Reluctantly, you ooze from the bed and begin your ritual for starting your day. Slowly, you drive to work looking for any excuse to prolong your arrival. So you stop at Starbucks for a Grande in the hopes that its magical properties will mix with your 8am shot of 5 hour energy giving you what you need to make it through the morning; all the while wondering to yourself "Why they don't make an 8 hour energy supplement?"  As you walk into the building you are greeted by co-works who are just as happy as you are to be there which sets the tone for your morning. In a trance like state you begin your work as you gaze at the clock waiting for lunch to arrive. "This isn't the job I wanted." you tell yourself as you secretly look at the Careerbuilder job postings that pop up on your iPhone while longing for a change. Finally, lunch time has arrived; well its ten minutes prior to your designated break time but hey you need to get away and no one is watching anyway right? While at lunch you sit with a couple of co-works and the three of you commiserate over the mundane nature of your work building a laundry list of complaints when you think to yourself "Why can't I just be happy?"

  

If you have ever felt this way you then you know how trapped you feel in this situation and if you are currently feeling like as though your career is in a rut I want to offer you hope. This all too common feeling of career burnout seems as though it may be impossible to solve. You feel stressed out in your job so you acquire a new one only to feel the same way in that job less than 2 years later. Is it that you continue to take on unfulfilled work or could it be the way you view the work that you do? 

LANGUAGE PATTERNS

Kim was a sales women for a medical device company and did well for herself. When she originally got into sales 12 years ago she did so hoping to make the BIG bucks. She would work hard learning the product knowledge, she met with the companies top performers to learn their strategies, and focused on building her pipeline for success. After 12 years there seem to be really only one consistent pattern that emerged from the prior 12 year work history and that was her consistent company changes. Looking at Kim's resume one could not help but to wonder why she moved companies nearly every three years. Feeling stressed out and burned out in her current sales role it seemed as though Sarah was feeling as something was missing although she couldn’t pin point the problem. Coming up on her third year with her current employer Kim was starting to look for a new opportunity and was feeling quit stressed over finding the right position. She was even considering getting out of sales all together and was exploring her options in other fields despite the fact that her sales number were fantastic. It seemed as though Kim was experiencing a mild crisis of identity and really looking for fulfillment from her next job. What Kim was unaware of at the time was here guiding values and belief system that  had been directing her behaviors. When working with Kim it was important to have her identify immediately some of the assumptions that she held regarding a career in sale. After a couple of quick exercises Kim learned that she held a value deep inside her that women CANNOT attain the same success levels of men in business, that women MUST work twice as hard as men, that women can ONLY make half the money that men do despite their effort, and that there are NO advancement opportunities for women like there are for men. The Great Psychologist Carl Jung stated the "Perception is projection." meaning that the perceptions that we hold at a deep level regarding the world around us will be projected into the world in which we operate. Kim held deep beliefs that she MUST work harder than her male counter parts and even though she would do twice the work she could NEVER earn as much money or attain the same level of advancement; and as her resume reflected she project her limitations into her world and sought out new career opportunities due to her perceived limitations. Reviewing here sales track record it was clear that she would always attain a level of success that did not exceed her male counterparts and when her sales projections were trending toward the top 5% of sales people in the organization she felt the urge to leave the company; why?  Because she was afraid that she would meet her sales projections. Interestingly enough the very thing that she wanted, the BIG money was the very thing that she would ran from because her desire to attain her financial goal ran counter to her value system that she is NOT allowed to attain that goal because she is a WOMEN. By attaining the level of financial success that she desired she would have no longer been a WOMEN but something else entirely and that threatened her identity. So to avoid becoming non-women she preserved her identity by switching jobs and starting over rather than experience the fruits of her labor and rising above her male counterparts.

By listening to Kim describe her value system it is impossible to look passed he language patterns. She used words like MUST, ONLY, and NEVER which are generalizations that prevent you from seeing a world with options. This type of language at a subconscious level is communicating to your conscious mind that you do not have free will to act, feel, or think the way that you want to. No wonder she was feeling lost and uncertain about her life, career, and her very identity. Imagine how you would feel or how you might be feeling right now thinking about your life with no free will; You would feel TRAPPED! Being trapped is linked to your survival instinct; the level of your being that needs to preserve itself for the sake of life. By utilizing the language patterns that Kim was using she was relating to her performance as a life or death situation for which she had no control. To attain the success she wanted would mean certain death but to not reach her goals made her feel insignificant which becomes an extremely difficult place to be.

“AS IF”

Now, going back to the original scenario the ladies are all sitting around the lunch table spewing their feelings about the company and their position and all your really wanting is to be happy. My suggestion? Excuse yourself from the table and find a quite place that you can go to be alone. Breaking patterns is a great way to begin to complete alter your states of mind which prepares you for a transformation. If you really desire change in your life and you want to be happy no matter where you are and what you’re are doing then you have to embody the change; you need to live “As if” the change had already taken place and pursue life in a manner that is matter of fact. That can all start with some pretty simple pattern changes and external model influences. By removing yourself from the discussion you can take yourself away from the negative language patterns that are influencing you and begin to replace them with more empowering words and values. Be aware that we become what were surround ourselves with. If you surround yourself with people how devalue themselves and use language patterns that steal away the free will then eventually you will take on the say patterns of belief. You have heard the phrase “Fake it until you make.” Well, the “As if” process is similar but where the fake it until you make process breaks down the “As if” process really goes to work. By living the changed life we engage the subconscious mind to gravitate toward the life we want, pulling us to it. Our subconscious mind is always working and one of its functions is to act like a magnate pulling us toward our subconscious desires. By focusing on the change that you want you will be able to develop a road map for getting to where you want to be. In the first scenario all you are looking for is to be happy. So each and every day spend 10 minutes in a quiet place and really envision your changed life. The way that you carry yourself; the body language you use to communicate happiness to others. Picture how you talk to people and the positive language you use to communicate your happy values. Continue this process every day growing to 20 minutes of meditation time speaking out loud that you are happy. Just do this for 10 day (business days) and if you do not see a change in your life and the way you view things then you need to revise your goals and recalibrate your mantra’s or incantations and try it again. If you are truly committed to being happy and you tell yourself that you are allowed to be happy then you will be happy. Embody the change, Gandhi once said "Be the change you want to see in the world." What Gandhi is saying is embody the change, become the change in every way everyday and the change will begin to form in your life.

Here are a couple of things you can do everyday to start working toward what you want:

1. Develop a Mantra - A Mantra is a word or a phrase that you use to command your subconscious mind to focus on a new set of values that redirect your behaviors. Thus embodying the change you want to become. Mantras are verbal incantations that involve the body and the mind; they are to be said out loud emotionally with intent and focus. For example: Everyday in Every way I grow (fill in the blank - stronger, wealthier, happier) BECAUSE (the because part is important because reasons create direction and demand action; it creates mental importance). So one of my first Mantras that I used went something like this.

     Everyday in every way I AM EMPOWERED because my God in heaven gives me strength and the courage to face anything. I would repeat this for 10 or more minutes out loud on my ride into work. The more intensity you use and the more opportunity you have to focus on your mantra the greater the reprogramming effect you will experience.

2. Change up your routines and your patterns - For example, first thing in the morning I use to wake up, take a shower, then go down stairs to have breakfast. To break my pattern I ate breakfast first then took a shower. breaking your patterns reaffirms that you have choice, that you are not trapped by your routine. Additionally, it helps to create a sense that changes is possible, voluntary and not harmful - because we have been trained cultural that change is SCARY when its not; in fact change is necessary.

3. Choose your influences - Like the initial example, if you continue you to mingle with those with negative belief sets then you will eventually develop them. Instead of meeting with them everyday perhaps you can reduce lunches together to a weekly activity so that you can have some time to spend with yourself engaged in more positive behaviors. Or find someone in the company that you admire and see if they would like to have lunch. You don't have to change your friends but your circle of influence should be positive and if it is not then you need to focus on what you want more immediately and when you are better equipped to ward off their negativity then incorporate them back into your life in a productive way.

This is in no way a comprehensive plan to create lasting change but it will help alter your state of mind and begin to help pull you away from defeating beliefs and behaviors and get you to focus in the right direction. If you are serious about specifically outlining your goals and developing strategies to obtain what it is that you want then I encourage you to begin learning some of these techniques. You can get books from the local library or find a class or seminar that will work with you to develop the skills needed to create lasting change in your life. 

 It is my hope that you get what you want this year!

WHY CAN'T I...?

THIS GUY

While attending a wedding a few months ago one of the groomsmen complained constantly about how much he disliked wearing suites and he commented multiple times about how appreciative we all should have felt over the fact that he got “all dressed up” for the occasion. Imagine being stuck in a room that smells like guys: dirty feet, flatulence, beer, cheap cologne and sweat. Now further imagine how terrible you would feel listening to this guy complain while you were suffering from total sensory abuse. As you can see this was a tough time and after about an hour of listening to this guy rant on and on while my nose was being man handled by the guy funk swarming in the air I decided to take action. So I turned to John (as we will refer to him) and asked why he hated the suite with such passion, “What is it specifically about the suit that is not working for you?” With a blank face he looked at me; he had no answer what so ever, he was completely taken back by my question and for the first time in about an hour he was speechless. He just looked at me as if I had asked him to explain Quantum Physics to a large group of Kindergartners. So I asked him again, “What is it that is so troubling about your suit, It’s custom fit, so what could it possibly be?” with a vacant look he just turned to the other groomsmen, perhaps looking for someone to throw him a life line; but it seemed that everyone was completely out of rope. The room was dead calm, quiet just long enough to feel completely awkward. At this point I decided it was time for some fresh air so I went for a bathroom break and drink run. After about 15 minutes I returned to the room and he was STILL talking about his crazy suite issues. Apparently, I quieted him down long enough to come up with justifications for how he was feeling. Armed with a list of reasons he began his final assault; the collar is too tight, the tie is pulling on my neck, the jacket length is too short, and on and on he went. So this time I decided to take a different approach to dealing with situation and I turned to him, handed him a drink, and said “I heard a couple of the bride’s maids talking about how cute you looked in that Suite.” “Your full of it...Really?” he asked “Yeah!” I said. He then began to ask which bride’s maid had made the comment so I lead him in to revealing which girl he thought was the most attractive and told him that it was her. After our little 2 minute exchange I noticed that he no longer had anything negative to say about that suite; thank the Lord!

WHAT WAS HIS DEAL

So what does this situation have to do with anything? Well, it is a goofy illustration regarding how a person’s subconscious beliefs and attitudes programmed at an early age can influence their behavior and opinions. At this point in time I was unaware of why John felt the way he did about suites but whatever association or belief he held about them luckily wasn’t as important as his desire to be wanted by a cute girl. He was temporarily willing to suspend his belief in order to seek a desired outcome, potentially getting the girl; whom he would later learn was married; but that is for another blog post. However, I later find out that as a child John never really connected with his father and that they had a very uninvolved distant relationship. His father was a salesman for a large corporation that forced him to travel a great deal deal taking him away from the family. As a child, John made a decision that he did not want to be like his dad…nothing like him. He wanted to be present for his family and not cause the pain that he and his mother felt from his father’s absence. With that insight I concluded (and for the sake of this article) that perhaps one of the subconscious connections that John had made when he was a kid was that "suite wearing" men don’t spend time with their families; A belief that over time has grown in magnitude and significance. Then again he could have just really needed a hug and a Snickers bar. Either way he had some programming that could use some updating. 
Now you’re wondering why people create these subconscious belief systems and if you have created any yourself that may be hinder you? Well, you have! We all have, it is part of what the brain does to make sense of the world around us and to create protective barriers. In John’s case he created a barrier that would ensure that he doesn’t become a man that works in a job like his dad…good or bad that was a way that he could ensure that what he wanted to be as a man subconsciously aligned with his value system that he developed as a child.

BALANCED BELIEFS

Congruence is the point where our mind (subconscious) and our conscious beliefs and desires come into agreement with each other. Picture it as two overlapping circles, one circle is our Conscious beliefs and the other is our Subconscious beliefs. Where the two circles meet is the point of congruence; the point where disappoint and happiness manifest in our lives. Looking at John’s suite situation we can see that subconsciously he holds a belief that men who wear suites cause family distress and he seeks to strengthen that belief by constantly reiterating that he hates suites! John has probably met and even knows people who wear suites everyday that are nothing like the image of his dad. These “suite wearing” individuals act counter to John’s inner belief about suite wearing people and this evidence threatens his subconscious belief. So he may disassociate himself from those friends who dress that way or make fun of people for wearing suites. It is much easier for John to resist the evidence that he is presented with in order to maintain his deeply held belief because it protects him from becoming his father. John’s situation is not unique however in fact each and every one of us has these types of beliefs that are dedicated to protecting our deeply held values.

For me it was my subconscious belief about money and wealth that was blocking me from achieving my financial goals. It seemed that no matter how much money I made at the end of every month I was left wondering where the heck it all went. “Why can’t I save just $20.00” I wondered month after month. Can you picture yourself in this scenario? I wanted to save money so that I could have some security and stability in my life. For me, the thought of living paycheck to paycheck was gut wrenching; I was getting tired of doing that. So I planned out my budget and consciously worked hard to save money…no matter what that meant. For months I “labored” at it week after week and I had managed to save $450.00, not a ton of money but more than I had been able to save prior to that point. Then life happened, as life always does, and I needed that money to pay for a water pump for my car…bye bye money, it was fun! From that point I could never seem to build up momentum again. What was happening? What can I do to change my circumstance? Well, I had to go a lot deeper into what I thought about money and I needed to explore my personal view of wealth. What I discovered was that I viewed wealthy people as GREEDY people, self absorbed, with no care or compassion for anyone else; even though the evidence around me did not support that idea. However, when I was young my family lived poorly in some less than desirable communities and the only experiences I had with wealthy people were negative ones. Additional, I grew up listening to my parents and their friends complain about wealthy people and it seemed as though I adopted the ideology that I had been constantly exposed to. The image of rich people that I had in my mind was clearly someone that I never wanted to become. However, on a conscious level I wanted to be wealthy; to be stable financially in my life but my inner belief was overpowering my outer desires. Due to the lack of congruence or balance in my belief system I was self sabotaging my attempts in order to preserve the idea of who I wanted to become. That is when I realized that this pattern of behavior will continue on and on until it is replaced by a new idea or system of belief.

Picture this, your friend sends you an email with the latest YOUTUBE video craze that you just have to see. You quickly clink on the link in your email and you can feel the rush of adrenaline surging through your body as you anticipate viewing the next Chocolate Rain installment. Just as the video nearly completes loading you receive an error message “Unable to load!” Completely disappointed you look for a way to fix the issue so you can be a part of the world wide sensation. You realize that the only way you can see the clip is to update your system because the video is not compatible with the newer software.  Well, similarly we suffer from programming issues each and every day. Most of the “Software” that we operate with was uploaded to our brains when we were very young and they are the programs that have guided our decisions throughout our lives and serve as our lens through which we see the world. The major issue with this is that our programs are completely out dated and in need of some serious updating.  

TIME FOR CHANGE

            Now you are wondering “How do I get a system upgrade?” Well, you must start with identifying which pattern/s of belief that you have that you want to change. Now you may have more than one belief that you want to change about yourself but it is necessary to work on only one at a time. Fully investing your energy into creating the single belief pattern is the most effective approach. Surprisingly, once you change the first belief you will start to notice that it will have an overflowing effect into other belief systems and can lend itself to creating other changes in a much quicker way. So, here is the process that can really jump start your changes:

1.      Identify the belief… Start by identifying what the belief is and how it has limited you from becoming what you have wanted to be up to this point. At the top of a piece of paper write down what that belief is. Underneath that heading create a list of all the things that you have missed out on; fulfilling relationships, the parent you wanted to be, work promotions, etc…think about the LOSE you have suffered from believing in that ideology. Once you have done this and really reflected on the pain that the old belief has caused. It is time for you to destroy the list (destroy the belief). Re-taking control of your life and your belief system.

2.      Responsibility – You must begin to take responsibility for what you believe in and with sincerity know that you are in command of how you feel and that you control how you approach life and how you react to the world around you. Once you have truly and fully accepted that you are in control of how you feel and ultimately, what you believe then you can start to re-design your software.

3.      New Belief – Close your eyes and imagine the change that you want and begin to associate it with a string of positives. For example, if you want to be a better parent you need to see yourself being the parent you want to be. Know that you deserve to be a better parent, know that your kid/s deserve a better parent, know that you deserve a better relationship with your kid/s. Visualize your relationship with your children and focus on the way that you speak to them, react to them, how you hold them, how you play with them, how you tuck them in bed at night. Picture as fully as you can that relationship. Imagine their smiles and hear what is going on between you. The laughter that you share, the sounds of the “I love you’s” that you share, the sounds of the thank you’s you exchange. Feel the hugs you give them, feel their arms wrapped around you, feel their hand holding yours, feel their lips on your check. Continue to imagine all of these sights, sounds and feelings in repetition; connecting them together in a loop continuing the process for 10-15 mnutes. Now, tell yourself that you deserve to be a great parent and that you have the power to create this relationship. Open your eyes and tell yourself out loud that you WILL be the parent you want to be, command yourself to take action to being the parent that you and your child/ren deserve.

This visualization or re-programming can really begin to help you change your belief about anything that you hope to change. Like anything else in this world it takes time to make lasting changes. You spent your whole life developing and re-enforcing the ideas and beliefs that you currently hold. All this is asking is that you take 15 minutes out of your day to do the visualization outlined in step 3 to create lasting changes. You deserve the life you want you just need to grab it!

If you have any questions or comments please feel free to contact me at focusedwise@yahoo.com