WHAT DO YOU WANT?

I MADE IT!

Standing in front of a large group of his fellow co-works John not only received the coveted sales manager of the year award but the President of the company announced his promotion to Managing Director; the position that John had dreamed about getting. He could remember all of the extra tasks and projects he committed himself too and all of the extra hours he put in over the past 12 months really trying to make an impression. John sacrificed some of his regularly scheduled date nights with his wife, missed some of his daughter’s soccer games, he did not even celebrate his own birthday in pursuit of a better position. Sacrifices that he and his wife agreed would be okay during that year so long as it would pay off in the end; which it seemed to. That was two years ago and John has been miserable for the past 14 months. He is really not enjoying the new role that he has worked so hard for and he is struggling deeply to make sense of how everything in his life can fit together. When was the last time you worked extremely hard for something? Putting in countless hours heavily investing your emotions? It may not have been work related it could have been anything like a new relationship, parenting, new car, new house, moving to a new city, etc… If you have ever found yourself not happy with something after you worked so hard to get it then you can relate to what John is going through and what I am going to be discussing here.

WHAT HAPPENED?

Well, we live largely in a task oriented society where great value is placed on setting and attaining goals. We are taught that direction is what gives people purpose and the attainment of goals provides a feeling of moving toward success and meaning. If you don’t have a goal/s and some type of plan for attaining them then what do you have? On the surface John had been very successful the Managing Director position was exactly what he and his wife had sacrificed so much for. This position was going to give them some extra money month after month giving them a “Cushion” of comfort. Living pay check to pay check was stressful at times and now they don’t have to worry about the money near as much. Family vacations became a possibility for them as they could not afford to take them very often in the past. This promotion seemed to give them everything they wanted. Has this type of situation ever happen to you?

What John needed to learn was that life is not about getting what you want. We see that on the cover of every tabloid around the world. Billions of dollars a year are generated by stories of celebrities that have the world at their finger tips; unlimited financial resources, amazing homes, insane vacations, dream weddings, cool cars…total freedom to do what they want when they want and yet they are still not happy. Of course the rest of us are okay watching celebrities loose it in public because it makes us feel better about not being wealthy and famous; it becomes okay that we have not achieved. But what these celebrity warning stories have to teach us and what we all need to learn is that getting what you want cannot provide you with a since of happiness or fulfillment unless it provides you with what you NEED! That’s right…getting what you need and not what you want is the key to a fulfilling, happy, and engaging life. Now that is not to say that they are mutually exclusive – sometimes getting what you wanted satisfies your need. So the trick is to really understand what you need so that you can plan your goals effectively.

SO WHAT DO I NEED?

You can conduct countless searches on the internet or read a 1000 books on the subject of human needs and alternate variations of needs psychology but at the end of the day Chloe Madanes and Anthony Robbins have put together an accurate and simple view of human psychology which they state contains six needs which are; CERTAINTY, UNCERTAINTY, SIGNIFIGANCE, LOVE/CONNECTION, GROWTH, AND CONTRIBUTION.

Certainty – think of it as predictability; knowing that things will remain consistent; things that you can count on.

Uncertainty – Variety or the unexpected – humans have a need to break away from the mundane nature of predictability or they become bored.

Significance – to have a meaning – to be purposeful; to have importance

Love/Connection – the need to be valued by others – To have intimate connection and closeness.

These four needs are vital to our very survival and must be met in some way regardless of the quality of the attainment. Not all of these needs must be met at a given time in fact people often only meet a couple of these needs through a single behavior or routine of behaviors at any given time. The more needs you meet through a single event the more likely you will repeat it or possibly even gain an addiction to. For example, look at a person who is addicted to control; ever met a "control freak?" If someone is in need of controlling everything and everyone in their lives is a person who has a great deal of fear and does not handle uncertainty very well.  Think of the level of Certainty when you believe you control everything – "I know what is going to happen because I make it so." Uncertainty – is only met by certain activities such as public events - typically tightening up the control in those cases; there is also variety in the number of ways in which a person can create a controlling environment. Significance – I'm important to everyone in "My World" because nothing happens without my permission; I am in control of how I am feeling. Love/Connection – This person usually sacrifices the love aspect and settles for the illusion of connection - feeling connected solely through control and other people’s perceived need for them. At any given time a person who attempts to control everything can meet 3-4 of their primary needs at any given time. However, you could have a behavior that is more agreeable and helps others in the process. If you were constantly praised for being so nice and found that by being passive and agreeable people connected with and even loved you then that would be a good reason to continue a particular behavior. So as you continued pleasing people you found that there was Certainty in your approach and ability to make people feel good, but Uncertainty in the variety of ways to make people happy. You felt significant because it was your mission to make others happy and you found connection and sometimes love from those that you have made happy. The downside is that you concentrate so much on making others happy that you neglect yourself at times. So it is always important to find the balance.

Now let’s look at the last two needs referred to as your Spiritual needs:

Growth – Is linked to our primal instincts (survival of the fittest) we need to grow in order to compete. Not only that but if we lack the need for growth we become stagnated and eventually die - metaphorically speaking. Have you ever been "Stuck in a rut?" this may have been a big part of the reason why.

Contribution – This is a need for us to give beyond ourselves - The service attitude - linking back to a primal instinct for group survival. It was necessary for individuals to contribute to the whole of the tribe in order for the tribe to flourish and survive.

What John had to discover was his primary need and how he could attain that in any circumstance. What he learned was that he above all he needed Love and Connection with his family. All the work that he put in and the sacrifices that he made were so that he could have time with his family. Once he understood this need and the drive and passion he had to attain it he refocused his energy, set new goals, and began working toward what he needed; love and connection with his family.

SO WHAT NOW?

Start by really drilling it down. When setting your goals to get what you want keep in mind the two types of goals, Means and Ends. When planning for things in your life you need to understand what the END is – what outcome do you wish to attain? Why do you want it? The why you want it should be an emotion and you should be able to relate it to at least one of your six needs. By understanding the emotion and need behind the goal you will create the motivational force necessary to push you toward the end goal. Means goals are different in that they look at how you can get to the end that you seek. The great thing about means goals is that you can operate with more than one in mind at a time, they are flexible, and can be changed (adjusted) as you go along. Means goals however should be directional and in-line with achieving your end goal. Often time’s people focus on very large mean goals and get lost in the process of getting what they really want and how that want meets their need. At times people will confuse the mean goal for the end goal like John did in getting his promotion. It wasn’t the promotion that he really wanted which is why he was feeling unfulfilled in his new role. What he was really after was having the perceived opportunities of freedom and comfort that would afford him time to connect with his family and to bring even more love them. What John has learned is that by clarifying what he needs at an emotional level he can plan more effectively and appropriately to get what he needs.

Write down what you really want and work the process through to identify how it relates to your emotional need. Once you identify the NEED that you have begin to brainstorm ways in which you can get what you need by doing other things – creating means goals for yourself. If you can identify other ways to meet your needs more immediately it will change your whole outlook on the direction of your life.

Stay Focused! 

WHY CAN'T I...?

THIS GUY

While attending a wedding a few months ago one of the groomsmen complained constantly about how much he disliked wearing suites and he commented multiple times about how appreciative we all should have felt over the fact that he got “all dressed up” for the occasion. Imagine being stuck in a room that smells like guys: dirty feet, flatulence, beer, cheap cologne and sweat. Now further imagine how terrible you would feel listening to this guy complain while you were suffering from total sensory abuse. As you can see this was a tough time and after about an hour of listening to this guy rant on and on while my nose was being man handled by the guy funk swarming in the air I decided to take action. So I turned to John (as we will refer to him) and asked why he hated the suite with such passion, “What is it specifically about the suit that is not working for you?” With a blank face he looked at me; he had no answer what so ever, he was completely taken back by my question and for the first time in about an hour he was speechless. He just looked at me as if I had asked him to explain Quantum Physics to a large group of Kindergartners. So I asked him again, “What is it that is so troubling about your suit, It’s custom fit, so what could it possibly be?” with a vacant look he just turned to the other groomsmen, perhaps looking for someone to throw him a life line; but it seemed that everyone was completely out of rope. The room was dead calm, quiet just long enough to feel completely awkward. At this point I decided it was time for some fresh air so I went for a bathroom break and drink run. After about 15 minutes I returned to the room and he was STILL talking about his crazy suite issues. Apparently, I quieted him down long enough to come up with justifications for how he was feeling. Armed with a list of reasons he began his final assault; the collar is too tight, the tie is pulling on my neck, the jacket length is too short, and on and on he went. So this time I decided to take a different approach to dealing with situation and I turned to him, handed him a drink, and said “I heard a couple of the bride’s maids talking about how cute you looked in that Suite.” “Your full of it...Really?” he asked “Yeah!” I said. He then began to ask which bride’s maid had made the comment so I lead him in to revealing which girl he thought was the most attractive and told him that it was her. After our little 2 minute exchange I noticed that he no longer had anything negative to say about that suite; thank the Lord!

WHAT WAS HIS DEAL

So what does this situation have to do with anything? Well, it is a goofy illustration regarding how a person’s subconscious beliefs and attitudes programmed at an early age can influence their behavior and opinions. At this point in time I was unaware of why John felt the way he did about suites but whatever association or belief he held about them luckily wasn’t as important as his desire to be wanted by a cute girl. He was temporarily willing to suspend his belief in order to seek a desired outcome, potentially getting the girl; whom he would later learn was married; but that is for another blog post. However, I later find out that as a child John never really connected with his father and that they had a very uninvolved distant relationship. His father was a salesman for a large corporation that forced him to travel a great deal deal taking him away from the family. As a child, John made a decision that he did not want to be like his dad…nothing like him. He wanted to be present for his family and not cause the pain that he and his mother felt from his father’s absence. With that insight I concluded (and for the sake of this article) that perhaps one of the subconscious connections that John had made when he was a kid was that "suite wearing" men don’t spend time with their families; A belief that over time has grown in magnitude and significance. Then again he could have just really needed a hug and a Snickers bar. Either way he had some programming that could use some updating. 
Now you’re wondering why people create these subconscious belief systems and if you have created any yourself that may be hinder you? Well, you have! We all have, it is part of what the brain does to make sense of the world around us and to create protective barriers. In John’s case he created a barrier that would ensure that he doesn’t become a man that works in a job like his dad…good or bad that was a way that he could ensure that what he wanted to be as a man subconsciously aligned with his value system that he developed as a child.

BALANCED BELIEFS

Congruence is the point where our mind (subconscious) and our conscious beliefs and desires come into agreement with each other. Picture it as two overlapping circles, one circle is our Conscious beliefs and the other is our Subconscious beliefs. Where the two circles meet is the point of congruence; the point where disappoint and happiness manifest in our lives. Looking at John’s suite situation we can see that subconsciously he holds a belief that men who wear suites cause family distress and he seeks to strengthen that belief by constantly reiterating that he hates suites! John has probably met and even knows people who wear suites everyday that are nothing like the image of his dad. These “suite wearing” individuals act counter to John’s inner belief about suite wearing people and this evidence threatens his subconscious belief. So he may disassociate himself from those friends who dress that way or make fun of people for wearing suites. It is much easier for John to resist the evidence that he is presented with in order to maintain his deeply held belief because it protects him from becoming his father. John’s situation is not unique however in fact each and every one of us has these types of beliefs that are dedicated to protecting our deeply held values.

For me it was my subconscious belief about money and wealth that was blocking me from achieving my financial goals. It seemed that no matter how much money I made at the end of every month I was left wondering where the heck it all went. “Why can’t I save just $20.00” I wondered month after month. Can you picture yourself in this scenario? I wanted to save money so that I could have some security and stability in my life. For me, the thought of living paycheck to paycheck was gut wrenching; I was getting tired of doing that. So I planned out my budget and consciously worked hard to save money…no matter what that meant. For months I “labored” at it week after week and I had managed to save $450.00, not a ton of money but more than I had been able to save prior to that point. Then life happened, as life always does, and I needed that money to pay for a water pump for my car…bye bye money, it was fun! From that point I could never seem to build up momentum again. What was happening? What can I do to change my circumstance? Well, I had to go a lot deeper into what I thought about money and I needed to explore my personal view of wealth. What I discovered was that I viewed wealthy people as GREEDY people, self absorbed, with no care or compassion for anyone else; even though the evidence around me did not support that idea. However, when I was young my family lived poorly in some less than desirable communities and the only experiences I had with wealthy people were negative ones. Additional, I grew up listening to my parents and their friends complain about wealthy people and it seemed as though I adopted the ideology that I had been constantly exposed to. The image of rich people that I had in my mind was clearly someone that I never wanted to become. However, on a conscious level I wanted to be wealthy; to be stable financially in my life but my inner belief was overpowering my outer desires. Due to the lack of congruence or balance in my belief system I was self sabotaging my attempts in order to preserve the idea of who I wanted to become. That is when I realized that this pattern of behavior will continue on and on until it is replaced by a new idea or system of belief.

Picture this, your friend sends you an email with the latest YOUTUBE video craze that you just have to see. You quickly clink on the link in your email and you can feel the rush of adrenaline surging through your body as you anticipate viewing the next Chocolate Rain installment. Just as the video nearly completes loading you receive an error message “Unable to load!” Completely disappointed you look for a way to fix the issue so you can be a part of the world wide sensation. You realize that the only way you can see the clip is to update your system because the video is not compatible with the newer software.  Well, similarly we suffer from programming issues each and every day. Most of the “Software” that we operate with was uploaded to our brains when we were very young and they are the programs that have guided our decisions throughout our lives and serve as our lens through which we see the world. The major issue with this is that our programs are completely out dated and in need of some serious updating.  

TIME FOR CHANGE

            Now you are wondering “How do I get a system upgrade?” Well, you must start with identifying which pattern/s of belief that you have that you want to change. Now you may have more than one belief that you want to change about yourself but it is necessary to work on only one at a time. Fully investing your energy into creating the single belief pattern is the most effective approach. Surprisingly, once you change the first belief you will start to notice that it will have an overflowing effect into other belief systems and can lend itself to creating other changes in a much quicker way. So, here is the process that can really jump start your changes:

1.      Identify the belief… Start by identifying what the belief is and how it has limited you from becoming what you have wanted to be up to this point. At the top of a piece of paper write down what that belief is. Underneath that heading create a list of all the things that you have missed out on; fulfilling relationships, the parent you wanted to be, work promotions, etc…think about the LOSE you have suffered from believing in that ideology. Once you have done this and really reflected on the pain that the old belief has caused. It is time for you to destroy the list (destroy the belief). Re-taking control of your life and your belief system.

2.      Responsibility – You must begin to take responsibility for what you believe in and with sincerity know that you are in command of how you feel and that you control how you approach life and how you react to the world around you. Once you have truly and fully accepted that you are in control of how you feel and ultimately, what you believe then you can start to re-design your software.

3.      New Belief – Close your eyes and imagine the change that you want and begin to associate it with a string of positives. For example, if you want to be a better parent you need to see yourself being the parent you want to be. Know that you deserve to be a better parent, know that your kid/s deserve a better parent, know that you deserve a better relationship with your kid/s. Visualize your relationship with your children and focus on the way that you speak to them, react to them, how you hold them, how you play with them, how you tuck them in bed at night. Picture as fully as you can that relationship. Imagine their smiles and hear what is going on between you. The laughter that you share, the sounds of the “I love you’s” that you share, the sounds of the thank you’s you exchange. Feel the hugs you give them, feel their arms wrapped around you, feel their hand holding yours, feel their lips on your check. Continue to imagine all of these sights, sounds and feelings in repetition; connecting them together in a loop continuing the process for 10-15 mnutes. Now, tell yourself that you deserve to be a great parent and that you have the power to create this relationship. Open your eyes and tell yourself out loud that you WILL be the parent you want to be, command yourself to take action to being the parent that you and your child/ren deserve.

This visualization or re-programming can really begin to help you change your belief about anything that you hope to change. Like anything else in this world it takes time to make lasting changes. You spent your whole life developing and re-enforcing the ideas and beliefs that you currently hold. All this is asking is that you take 15 minutes out of your day to do the visualization outlined in step 3 to create lasting changes. You deserve the life you want you just need to grab it!

If you have any questions or comments please feel free to contact me at focusedwise@yahoo.com