I MADE IT!
Standing in front of a large group of his fellow
co-works John not only received the coveted sales manager of the year award but
the President of the company announced his promotion to Managing Director; the
position that John had dreamed about getting. He could remember all of the
extra tasks and projects he committed himself too and all of the extra hours he
put in over the past 12 months really trying to make an impression. John
sacrificed some of his regularly scheduled date nights with his wife, missed
some of his daughter’s soccer games, he did not even celebrate his own birthday
in pursuit of a better position. Sacrifices that he and his wife agreed would
be okay during that year so long as it would pay off in the end; which it
seemed to. That was two years ago and John has been miserable for the past 14
months. He is really not enjoying the new role that he has worked so hard for
and he is struggling deeply to make sense of how everything in his life can fit
together. When was the last time you worked extremely hard for something?
Putting in countless hours heavily investing your emotions? It may not have
been work related it could have been anything like a new relationship,
parenting, new car, new house, moving to a new city, etc… If you have ever found
yourself not happy with something after you worked so hard to get it then you
can relate to what John is going through and what I am going to be discussing
here.
WHAT HAPPENED?
Well, we live largely in a task oriented society where great value
is placed on setting and attaining goals. We are taught that direction is what
gives people purpose and the attainment of goals provides a feeling of moving
toward success and meaning. If you don’t have a goal/s and some type of plan
for attaining them then what do you have? On the surface John had been very
successful the Managing Director position was exactly what he and his wife had
sacrificed so much for. This position was going to give them some extra money
month after month giving them a “Cushion” of comfort. Living pay check to pay
check was stressful at times and now they don’t have to worry about the money
near as much. Family vacations became a possibility for them as they could not
afford to take them very often in the past. This promotion seemed to give them
everything they wanted. Has this type of situation ever happen to you?
What John needed to learn was that life is not about getting what
you want. We see that on the cover of every tabloid around the world. Billions
of dollars a year are generated by stories of celebrities that have the world
at their finger tips; unlimited financial resources, amazing homes, insane
vacations, dream weddings, cool cars…total freedom to do what they want when
they want and yet they are still not happy. Of course the rest of us are okay
watching celebrities loose it in public because it makes us feel better about
not being wealthy and famous; it becomes okay that we have not achieved. But
what these celebrity warning stories have to teach us and what we all need to
learn is that getting what you want cannot provide you with a since of
happiness or fulfillment unless it provides you with what you NEED! That’s right…getting what you need
and not what you want is the key to a fulfilling, happy, and engaging life. Now
that is not to say that they are mutually exclusive – sometimes getting what
you wanted satisfies your need. So the trick is to really understand what you need so that you can plan your goals
effectively.
SO WHAT DO I NEED?
You can conduct countless searches on the internet or read a 1000
books on the subject of human needs and alternate variations of needs
psychology but at the end of the day Chloe Madanes and Anthony Robbins have put
together an accurate and simple view of human psychology which they state
contains six needs which are; CERTAINTY, UNCERTAINTY, SIGNIFIGANCE,
LOVE/CONNECTION, GROWTH, AND CONTRIBUTION.
Certainty – think of it as predictability; knowing
that things will remain consistent; things that you can count on.
Uncertainty – Variety
or the unexpected – humans have a need to break away from the mundane nature of
predictability or they become bored.
Significance – to have a meaning – to be purposeful; to
have importance
Love/Connection – the need to be valued by others – To
have intimate connection and closeness.
These four needs are vital to our very survival and must be met in
some way regardless of the quality of the attainment. Not all of these needs
must be met at a given time in fact people often only meet a couple of these
needs through a single behavior or routine of behaviors at any given time. The
more needs you meet through a single event the more likely you will repeat it
or possibly even gain an addiction to. For example, look at a person who is
addicted to control; ever met a "control freak?" If someone is in
need of controlling everything and everyone in their lives is a person who has
a great deal of fear and does not handle uncertainty very well. Think of
the level of Certainty when you believe you control everything
– "I know what is going to happen because I make it so." Uncertainty – is only met by certain activities
such as public events - typically tightening up the control in those cases;
there is also variety in the number of ways in which a person can create a
controlling environment. Significance
– I'm important to everyone
in "My World" because nothing happens without my permission; I
am in control of how I am feeling. Love/Connection
– This person usually
sacrifices the love aspect and settles for the illusion of connection - feeling
connected solely through control and other people’s perceived need for them. At
any given time a person who attempts to control everything can meet 3-4 of
their primary needs at any given time. However, you could have a behavior that
is more agreeable and helps others in the process. If you were constantly
praised for being so nice and found that by being passive and agreeable people
connected with and even loved you then that would be a good reason to continue
a particular behavior. So as you continued pleasing people you found that there
was Certainty in your approach and ability to make people feel good, but
Uncertainty in the variety of ways to make people happy. You felt significant
because it was your mission to make others happy and you found connection and
sometimes love from those that you have made happy. The downside is that you
concentrate so much on making others happy that you neglect yourself at times.
So it is always important to find the balance.
Now let’s look at the last two needs referred to as your Spiritual
needs:
Growth – Is linked to our primal instincts
(survival of the fittest) we need to grow in order to compete. Not only that
but if we lack the need for growth we become stagnated and eventually die -
metaphorically speaking. Have you ever been "Stuck in a rut?" this
may have been a big part of the reason why.
Contribution – This is a need for us to give beyond
ourselves - The service attitude - linking back to a primal instinct for group
survival. It was necessary for individuals to contribute to the whole of the
tribe in order for the tribe to flourish and survive.
What John had to discover was his primary need and how he could
attain that in any circumstance. What he learned was that he above all he needed
Love and Connection with his family. All the work that he put in and the
sacrifices that he made were so that he could have time with his family. Once
he understood this need and the drive and passion he had to attain it he
refocused his energy, set new goals, and began working toward what he needed;
love and connection with his family.
SO WHAT NOW?
Start by really drilling it down. When setting your goals to get
what you want keep in mind the two types of goals, Means and Ends. When
planning for things in your life you need to understand what the END is – what outcome
do you wish to attain? Why do you want it? The why you want it should be
an emotion and you should be able to relate it to at least one of your six
needs. By understanding the emotion and need behind the goal you will create
the motivational force necessary to push you toward the end goal. Means goals
are different in that they look at how you can get to the end that you seek.
The great thing about means goals is that you can operate with more than one in
mind at a time, they are flexible, and can be changed (adjusted) as you go
along. Means goals however should be directional and in-line with achieving
your end goal. Often time’s people focus on very large mean goals and get lost
in the process of getting what they really want and how that want meets their
need. At times people will confuse the mean goal for the end goal like John did
in getting his promotion. It wasn’t the promotion that he really wanted which
is why he was feeling unfulfilled in his new role. What he was really after was
having the perceived opportunities of freedom and comfort that would afford him
time to connect with his family and to bring even more love them. What John has
learned is that by clarifying what he needs at an emotional level he can plan more
effectively and appropriately to get what he needs.
Write down what you really want and work the process through to
identify how it relates to your emotional need. Once you identify the NEED that
you have begin to brainstorm ways in which you can get what you need by doing
other things – creating means goals for yourself. If you can identify other
ways to meet your needs more immediately it will change your whole outlook on
the direction of your life.
Stay Focused!
