WHO'S DRIVING?

WHERE YOU HEADED?

In order to get where you want to go and be fully vested in the process of change you have to DRIVE that process yourself. You have to plan the trip: set the destination, budget the money, plan the transportation, figure out where you are staying, organize the time line, etc. There are a myriad of things that must be consider when planning a trip and it all starts with the final destination in mind. You cannot get where you want to go if you do not know exactly where you are headed.

Picture the last time you planned a vacation reflecting back on how excited you were to go. You shared with those you know your excitement of "getting away" and taking time for yourself. You probably were so excited and shared it so often that people were tired of hearing about it and they wished you were already gone. As the time drew closer for you to set off on the trip you began to get even more excited, more invested. Dreaming about it night after night hearing the sounds of the beach; the waves crashing onto the shore, hearing the birds in the air, the people playing; Smelling the suntan lotion, the food cooking on the grills; feeling the sand between your toes and the cool water splashing against your body as if you were already there. You envisioned your destination with such detail that you were living the experience even before it actually happened. When you plan for change in your life you MUST picture it in the same way, you need to see it as if it has already happened and live the change even before it is fully actualized. The more you are connected to the change you want to make and the mapping process the more you will mobilize your entire body to move you toward the end goal; the destination.

AUTO PILOT

Think about the last time you forgot how to get where you needed to go. While driving to a friend’s house one evening for dinner I lost my direction when I had gotten off the freeway and entered into the back roads. Which was odd because I had been to this couples house several times before; yet I could not remember for the life of me the more specific details of the route. Jumping on the freeway and heading South was easy in fact, I didn't even think about it; I was in such a trance that by the time I consciously thought about where I was headed I was half way there. But when it came time for me to remember the street names, landmarks, and other details of the route I could not. My wife laughed when I told her that I had forgotten how to get there. How was it that I could forget? Simple, each time we had gone to our friend’s house in the past my wife did the driving so I didn't really pay attention to the specifics. When you are driving the car you’re engaged and mindful of the direction that you are going and you pay attention to the little things around you that matter. You deploy the mental faculties needed to answer the central question "How do I get where I need to go without getting lost?" If you are letting someone else drive your change process then you will miss out on some very vital details that could mean the difference between getting lost on your journey or ending up where you want to be. So how much control do you give to others? How much control do you allow yourself to have? Answering these question honestly will help get you moving toward your goal/s.

LOCUS OF CONTROL

There is a continuum of control that helps people in perceiving and experiencing the world around them.

INTERNAL ------------------------------------------------------------EXTERNAL

Internal locus is the extent to which you feel you control the world around you; you feel that your behaviors are directed more by personal choices. On this end of the spectrum you have total power and mastery over your experiences and behaviors. On the opposite end sits the External locus in which you are much more reactive to the world believing that you have no control over the world a whole and your behaviors are motivated by those things that happen to you; you may belief more in fate or luck rather than self-directed results.

Bear in mind that one side of the spectrum is no better than the other and for the most part people fall somewhere in between rather than living in one extreme. The idea however, is to really look at where you are on the continuum so that you can begin to understand a little better how you are motivated toward action. It is important to note that if you fall closer to the external locus side you may find that it is more challenging for you to reach your goals even with a clear plan because you may not be fully vested in the idea that you create your own change or you may only try something one or two times and chalk the failure up to "I guess it wasn't meant to be." The more you move toward the internal locus you will gain greater confidence about your change capabilities.

Ask yourself a couple of question: use a 0-5 scale 0 being completely disagree and 5 being completely agree.

1.     How hard you work directly reflects your level of success?

No matter how hard you work if people don’t like you, you can’t succeed?

2.     Making plans is what moves people toward accomplishing goals?

Making plans is good but most of the times life gets in the way; what’s the point?

      3.    No matter how hard you try, some people just don't like you?

People who can't get others to like them don't understand how to get along with others?

4.    People are who they are as a result of their experiences?

People are who they are because of their families?

5.     Getting what I want has little to do with luck?

Getting what I want is a coin toss – 50/50?

6.     Most political problems are caused by people’s lack of action and participation?

No matter how much you get involved government shapes itself?

Look at the first set of questions which are indications of Internal Locus did you place more value when it came to those questions? Did you score higher in the second set of questions? Were you even? This is a reduced questionnaire and is in no way comprehensive but it helps to get you to think about the level of perceived control you have in life. If you have set goals in the past and have not been able to reach them perhaps you are predominately guided by an external locus? 

A question that seems to come up a lot is “Do I need to fully change my locus before I can start reaching my goals?” and the answer is no! However, you will at the very least need to compartmentalize your locus. If at your core you feel that life is all directed by fate then you may have some difficulties. Although, if you can say that not every aspect of life is pre-ordained and can separate things to give you control then it may prove easier. In your Business life for example if you Believed that business success was guided more by you and your level of participation and less by happenstance then it will be much easier for you to obtain your goal/s.

WHAT’S NEXT?

 Well, let go backwards to get to the beginning. Recognize where your locus of control is and adjust accordingly. If you are predominately external then start looking at ways to take control of certain areas of your life to drive change; you must be in the driver seat! The next time you are in a situation where you find yourself saying things like “That’s just how it goes.” Or “I don’t know why I make plans anyway?” stop! Instead, ask yourself what you can do next in that given situation to move toward progress. Don’t give up on it focus on the outcome that you want and push towards it.

Think of a time in your life when you were really determined to have something; a time when you were unstoppably driven. The more people told you that you couldn't have what you wanted the more determined you got and the harder you tried to get it. Remember that time so that you can recall it at will. Whenever you need pure determination reflect on that time in your life. How you felt about wanting it, how it made you feel just thinking about attaining it. Regardless of your predominate locus there is usually a time in your life where you took absolute control and left nothing to CHANCE. You have to get rid of the designated driver in your life and take the wheel yourself if you really want to reach your goals. Keep in mind that this is all precipitated by your VISION for where you want to end up. Visualize your destination with vivid colors, clear sights, and distinct sounds. The more detail and emotion you breath into the vision of your destination the more real it will become and the more determined you will be to get there. 


Hopefully, this will help put you in the driver seat. Questions or need assistance email me at focusedwise@yahoo.com    

WHY CAN'T I...?

THIS GUY

While attending a wedding a few months ago one of the groomsmen complained constantly about how much he disliked wearing suites and he commented multiple times about how appreciative we all should have felt over the fact that he got “all dressed up” for the occasion. Imagine being stuck in a room that smells like guys: dirty feet, flatulence, beer, cheap cologne and sweat. Now further imagine how terrible you would feel listening to this guy complain while you were suffering from total sensory abuse. As you can see this was a tough time and after about an hour of listening to this guy rant on and on while my nose was being man handled by the guy funk swarming in the air I decided to take action. So I turned to John (as we will refer to him) and asked why he hated the suite with such passion, “What is it specifically about the suit that is not working for you?” With a blank face he looked at me; he had no answer what so ever, he was completely taken back by my question and for the first time in about an hour he was speechless. He just looked at me as if I had asked him to explain Quantum Physics to a large group of Kindergartners. So I asked him again, “What is it that is so troubling about your suit, It’s custom fit, so what could it possibly be?” with a vacant look he just turned to the other groomsmen, perhaps looking for someone to throw him a life line; but it seemed that everyone was completely out of rope. The room was dead calm, quiet just long enough to feel completely awkward. At this point I decided it was time for some fresh air so I went for a bathroom break and drink run. After about 15 minutes I returned to the room and he was STILL talking about his crazy suite issues. Apparently, I quieted him down long enough to come up with justifications for how he was feeling. Armed with a list of reasons he began his final assault; the collar is too tight, the tie is pulling on my neck, the jacket length is too short, and on and on he went. So this time I decided to take a different approach to dealing with situation and I turned to him, handed him a drink, and said “I heard a couple of the bride’s maids talking about how cute you looked in that Suite.” “Your full of it...Really?” he asked “Yeah!” I said. He then began to ask which bride’s maid had made the comment so I lead him in to revealing which girl he thought was the most attractive and told him that it was her. After our little 2 minute exchange I noticed that he no longer had anything negative to say about that suite; thank the Lord!

WHAT WAS HIS DEAL

So what does this situation have to do with anything? Well, it is a goofy illustration regarding how a person’s subconscious beliefs and attitudes programmed at an early age can influence their behavior and opinions. At this point in time I was unaware of why John felt the way he did about suites but whatever association or belief he held about them luckily wasn’t as important as his desire to be wanted by a cute girl. He was temporarily willing to suspend his belief in order to seek a desired outcome, potentially getting the girl; whom he would later learn was married; but that is for another blog post. However, I later find out that as a child John never really connected with his father and that they had a very uninvolved distant relationship. His father was a salesman for a large corporation that forced him to travel a great deal deal taking him away from the family. As a child, John made a decision that he did not want to be like his dad…nothing like him. He wanted to be present for his family and not cause the pain that he and his mother felt from his father’s absence. With that insight I concluded (and for the sake of this article) that perhaps one of the subconscious connections that John had made when he was a kid was that "suite wearing" men don’t spend time with their families; A belief that over time has grown in magnitude and significance. Then again he could have just really needed a hug and a Snickers bar. Either way he had some programming that could use some updating. 
Now you’re wondering why people create these subconscious belief systems and if you have created any yourself that may be hinder you? Well, you have! We all have, it is part of what the brain does to make sense of the world around us and to create protective barriers. In John’s case he created a barrier that would ensure that he doesn’t become a man that works in a job like his dad…good or bad that was a way that he could ensure that what he wanted to be as a man subconsciously aligned with his value system that he developed as a child.

BALANCED BELIEFS

Congruence is the point where our mind (subconscious) and our conscious beliefs and desires come into agreement with each other. Picture it as two overlapping circles, one circle is our Conscious beliefs and the other is our Subconscious beliefs. Where the two circles meet is the point of congruence; the point where disappoint and happiness manifest in our lives. Looking at John’s suite situation we can see that subconsciously he holds a belief that men who wear suites cause family distress and he seeks to strengthen that belief by constantly reiterating that he hates suites! John has probably met and even knows people who wear suites everyday that are nothing like the image of his dad. These “suite wearing” individuals act counter to John’s inner belief about suite wearing people and this evidence threatens his subconscious belief. So he may disassociate himself from those friends who dress that way or make fun of people for wearing suites. It is much easier for John to resist the evidence that he is presented with in order to maintain his deeply held belief because it protects him from becoming his father. John’s situation is not unique however in fact each and every one of us has these types of beliefs that are dedicated to protecting our deeply held values.

For me it was my subconscious belief about money and wealth that was blocking me from achieving my financial goals. It seemed that no matter how much money I made at the end of every month I was left wondering where the heck it all went. “Why can’t I save just $20.00” I wondered month after month. Can you picture yourself in this scenario? I wanted to save money so that I could have some security and stability in my life. For me, the thought of living paycheck to paycheck was gut wrenching; I was getting tired of doing that. So I planned out my budget and consciously worked hard to save money…no matter what that meant. For months I “labored” at it week after week and I had managed to save $450.00, not a ton of money but more than I had been able to save prior to that point. Then life happened, as life always does, and I needed that money to pay for a water pump for my car…bye bye money, it was fun! From that point I could never seem to build up momentum again. What was happening? What can I do to change my circumstance? Well, I had to go a lot deeper into what I thought about money and I needed to explore my personal view of wealth. What I discovered was that I viewed wealthy people as GREEDY people, self absorbed, with no care or compassion for anyone else; even though the evidence around me did not support that idea. However, when I was young my family lived poorly in some less than desirable communities and the only experiences I had with wealthy people were negative ones. Additional, I grew up listening to my parents and their friends complain about wealthy people and it seemed as though I adopted the ideology that I had been constantly exposed to. The image of rich people that I had in my mind was clearly someone that I never wanted to become. However, on a conscious level I wanted to be wealthy; to be stable financially in my life but my inner belief was overpowering my outer desires. Due to the lack of congruence or balance in my belief system I was self sabotaging my attempts in order to preserve the idea of who I wanted to become. That is when I realized that this pattern of behavior will continue on and on until it is replaced by a new idea or system of belief.

Picture this, your friend sends you an email with the latest YOUTUBE video craze that you just have to see. You quickly clink on the link in your email and you can feel the rush of adrenaline surging through your body as you anticipate viewing the next Chocolate Rain installment. Just as the video nearly completes loading you receive an error message “Unable to load!” Completely disappointed you look for a way to fix the issue so you can be a part of the world wide sensation. You realize that the only way you can see the clip is to update your system because the video is not compatible with the newer software.  Well, similarly we suffer from programming issues each and every day. Most of the “Software” that we operate with was uploaded to our brains when we were very young and they are the programs that have guided our decisions throughout our lives and serve as our lens through which we see the world. The major issue with this is that our programs are completely out dated and in need of some serious updating.  

TIME FOR CHANGE

            Now you are wondering “How do I get a system upgrade?” Well, you must start with identifying which pattern/s of belief that you have that you want to change. Now you may have more than one belief that you want to change about yourself but it is necessary to work on only one at a time. Fully investing your energy into creating the single belief pattern is the most effective approach. Surprisingly, once you change the first belief you will start to notice that it will have an overflowing effect into other belief systems and can lend itself to creating other changes in a much quicker way. So, here is the process that can really jump start your changes:

1.      Identify the belief… Start by identifying what the belief is and how it has limited you from becoming what you have wanted to be up to this point. At the top of a piece of paper write down what that belief is. Underneath that heading create a list of all the things that you have missed out on; fulfilling relationships, the parent you wanted to be, work promotions, etc…think about the LOSE you have suffered from believing in that ideology. Once you have done this and really reflected on the pain that the old belief has caused. It is time for you to destroy the list (destroy the belief). Re-taking control of your life and your belief system.

2.      Responsibility – You must begin to take responsibility for what you believe in and with sincerity know that you are in command of how you feel and that you control how you approach life and how you react to the world around you. Once you have truly and fully accepted that you are in control of how you feel and ultimately, what you believe then you can start to re-design your software.

3.      New Belief – Close your eyes and imagine the change that you want and begin to associate it with a string of positives. For example, if you want to be a better parent you need to see yourself being the parent you want to be. Know that you deserve to be a better parent, know that your kid/s deserve a better parent, know that you deserve a better relationship with your kid/s. Visualize your relationship with your children and focus on the way that you speak to them, react to them, how you hold them, how you play with them, how you tuck them in bed at night. Picture as fully as you can that relationship. Imagine their smiles and hear what is going on between you. The laughter that you share, the sounds of the “I love you’s” that you share, the sounds of the thank you’s you exchange. Feel the hugs you give them, feel their arms wrapped around you, feel their hand holding yours, feel their lips on your check. Continue to imagine all of these sights, sounds and feelings in repetition; connecting them together in a loop continuing the process for 10-15 mnutes. Now, tell yourself that you deserve to be a great parent and that you have the power to create this relationship. Open your eyes and tell yourself out loud that you WILL be the parent you want to be, command yourself to take action to being the parent that you and your child/ren deserve.

This visualization or re-programming can really begin to help you change your belief about anything that you hope to change. Like anything else in this world it takes time to make lasting changes. You spent your whole life developing and re-enforcing the ideas and beliefs that you currently hold. All this is asking is that you take 15 minutes out of your day to do the visualization outlined in step 3 to create lasting changes. You deserve the life you want you just need to grab it!

If you have any questions or comments please feel free to contact me at focusedwise@yahoo.com