WHAT DO YOU WANT?

I MADE IT!

Standing in front of a large group of his fellow co-works John not only received the coveted sales manager of the year award but the President of the company announced his promotion to Managing Director; the position that John had dreamed about getting. He could remember all of the extra tasks and projects he committed himself too and all of the extra hours he put in over the past 12 months really trying to make an impression. John sacrificed some of his regularly scheduled date nights with his wife, missed some of his daughter’s soccer games, he did not even celebrate his own birthday in pursuit of a better position. Sacrifices that he and his wife agreed would be okay during that year so long as it would pay off in the end; which it seemed to. That was two years ago and John has been miserable for the past 14 months. He is really not enjoying the new role that he has worked so hard for and he is struggling deeply to make sense of how everything in his life can fit together. When was the last time you worked extremely hard for something? Putting in countless hours heavily investing your emotions? It may not have been work related it could have been anything like a new relationship, parenting, new car, new house, moving to a new city, etc… If you have ever found yourself not happy with something after you worked so hard to get it then you can relate to what John is going through and what I am going to be discussing here.

WHAT HAPPENED?

Well, we live largely in a task oriented society where great value is placed on setting and attaining goals. We are taught that direction is what gives people purpose and the attainment of goals provides a feeling of moving toward success and meaning. If you don’t have a goal/s and some type of plan for attaining them then what do you have? On the surface John had been very successful the Managing Director position was exactly what he and his wife had sacrificed so much for. This position was going to give them some extra money month after month giving them a “Cushion” of comfort. Living pay check to pay check was stressful at times and now they don’t have to worry about the money near as much. Family vacations became a possibility for them as they could not afford to take them very often in the past. This promotion seemed to give them everything they wanted. Has this type of situation ever happen to you?

What John needed to learn was that life is not about getting what you want. We see that on the cover of every tabloid around the world. Billions of dollars a year are generated by stories of celebrities that have the world at their finger tips; unlimited financial resources, amazing homes, insane vacations, dream weddings, cool cars…total freedom to do what they want when they want and yet they are still not happy. Of course the rest of us are okay watching celebrities loose it in public because it makes us feel better about not being wealthy and famous; it becomes okay that we have not achieved. But what these celebrity warning stories have to teach us and what we all need to learn is that getting what you want cannot provide you with a since of happiness or fulfillment unless it provides you with what you NEED! That’s right…getting what you need and not what you want is the key to a fulfilling, happy, and engaging life. Now that is not to say that they are mutually exclusive – sometimes getting what you wanted satisfies your need. So the trick is to really understand what you need so that you can plan your goals effectively.

SO WHAT DO I NEED?

You can conduct countless searches on the internet or read a 1000 books on the subject of human needs and alternate variations of needs psychology but at the end of the day Chloe Madanes and Anthony Robbins have put together an accurate and simple view of human psychology which they state contains six needs which are; CERTAINTY, UNCERTAINTY, SIGNIFIGANCE, LOVE/CONNECTION, GROWTH, AND CONTRIBUTION.

Certainty – think of it as predictability; knowing that things will remain consistent; things that you can count on.

Uncertainty – Variety or the unexpected – humans have a need to break away from the mundane nature of predictability or they become bored.

Significance – to have a meaning – to be purposeful; to have importance

Love/Connection – the need to be valued by others – To have intimate connection and closeness.

These four needs are vital to our very survival and must be met in some way regardless of the quality of the attainment. Not all of these needs must be met at a given time in fact people often only meet a couple of these needs through a single behavior or routine of behaviors at any given time. The more needs you meet through a single event the more likely you will repeat it or possibly even gain an addiction to. For example, look at a person who is addicted to control; ever met a "control freak?" If someone is in need of controlling everything and everyone in their lives is a person who has a great deal of fear and does not handle uncertainty very well.  Think of the level of Certainty when you believe you control everything – "I know what is going to happen because I make it so." Uncertainty – is only met by certain activities such as public events - typically tightening up the control in those cases; there is also variety in the number of ways in which a person can create a controlling environment. Significance – I'm important to everyone in "My World" because nothing happens without my permission; I am in control of how I am feeling. Love/Connection – This person usually sacrifices the love aspect and settles for the illusion of connection - feeling connected solely through control and other people’s perceived need for them. At any given time a person who attempts to control everything can meet 3-4 of their primary needs at any given time. However, you could have a behavior that is more agreeable and helps others in the process. If you were constantly praised for being so nice and found that by being passive and agreeable people connected with and even loved you then that would be a good reason to continue a particular behavior. So as you continued pleasing people you found that there was Certainty in your approach and ability to make people feel good, but Uncertainty in the variety of ways to make people happy. You felt significant because it was your mission to make others happy and you found connection and sometimes love from those that you have made happy. The downside is that you concentrate so much on making others happy that you neglect yourself at times. So it is always important to find the balance.

Now let’s look at the last two needs referred to as your Spiritual needs:

Growth – Is linked to our primal instincts (survival of the fittest) we need to grow in order to compete. Not only that but if we lack the need for growth we become stagnated and eventually die - metaphorically speaking. Have you ever been "Stuck in a rut?" this may have been a big part of the reason why.

Contribution – This is a need for us to give beyond ourselves - The service attitude - linking back to a primal instinct for group survival. It was necessary for individuals to contribute to the whole of the tribe in order for the tribe to flourish and survive.

What John had to discover was his primary need and how he could attain that in any circumstance. What he learned was that he above all he needed Love and Connection with his family. All the work that he put in and the sacrifices that he made were so that he could have time with his family. Once he understood this need and the drive and passion he had to attain it he refocused his energy, set new goals, and began working toward what he needed; love and connection with his family.

SO WHAT NOW?

Start by really drilling it down. When setting your goals to get what you want keep in mind the two types of goals, Means and Ends. When planning for things in your life you need to understand what the END is – what outcome do you wish to attain? Why do you want it? The why you want it should be an emotion and you should be able to relate it to at least one of your six needs. By understanding the emotion and need behind the goal you will create the motivational force necessary to push you toward the end goal. Means goals are different in that they look at how you can get to the end that you seek. The great thing about means goals is that you can operate with more than one in mind at a time, they are flexible, and can be changed (adjusted) as you go along. Means goals however should be directional and in-line with achieving your end goal. Often time’s people focus on very large mean goals and get lost in the process of getting what they really want and how that want meets their need. At times people will confuse the mean goal for the end goal like John did in getting his promotion. It wasn’t the promotion that he really wanted which is why he was feeling unfulfilled in his new role. What he was really after was having the perceived opportunities of freedom and comfort that would afford him time to connect with his family and to bring even more love them. What John has learned is that by clarifying what he needs at an emotional level he can plan more effectively and appropriately to get what he needs.

Write down what you really want and work the process through to identify how it relates to your emotional need. Once you identify the NEED that you have begin to brainstorm ways in which you can get what you need by doing other things – creating means goals for yourself. If you can identify other ways to meet your needs more immediately it will change your whole outlook on the direction of your life.

Stay Focused!