It never fails that when women come to me seeking relationship or dating advice they all seem to have the same nagging question that lingers in their mind..."What do guys want?" This question and a multitude of answers have been the prevailing topic of countless day time talk shows and TV dramas, books, magazines, plots to Hollywood movies, and now even internet blogs. The issue with this question goes much deeper because as this writer views it, it is not a question or a quest to know what guys want as much as it is a journey to find intimate connection. Women are longing to be "discovered" by men; they want to feel the respect and love that they as women deserve. But why are so many women having such difficulty in finding quality relationships?
DATING OUTLOOK
Culturally, women are at a disadvantage when it comes to finding quality relationships. Decades of social programming have created a man child, a guy that outwardly is in his 20’s-30’s but has not been able to move past the life he had as a teenager. He still lives at home or at best rents an apartment with 4 other man babies who spend their nights playing Call of Duty, drinking beer, and working in a job that requires little to no responsibility so that they have time to practice with the band. This does not give women very good opportunities to find the intimate, meaningful connections that they are longing for. The reason ladies that there are no good guys out there is simply because guys are not relationship material. Guys are not interested in your life goals or emotional states because they are not interested in establishing their own goals and only seek to emotional disengage from a world that is asking them to grow up.
Men on the other hand are those individuals that have made the conscious decision to “Grow-up” and make the transition from being a boy to becoming a man. When it comes to relationships, Men are interested in sharing a life with someone else. They seek to “share” who they are and their life dream with someone who wants to do the same; Men too are seeking intimate meaningful relationships ladies. Unfortunately, the majority of women are no longer looking for men any more, they are looking for guys. In the face of limiting number of available partners on "the market" women have shifted their focus from demanding respectful and meaningful relationships with men and substituted intimacy for nurturing. Ladies, you think he is so cute because your maternal instinct senses that he is fragile like a baby and you convince yourself that he would be “Swallowed up by the world” if you did not protect him like a mother protects and infant. You have sacrificed your own need for true intimacy for a life of emotional servitude in caring and raising a man child. You cling to the relationship in the hopes that he will "grow up" and become a great man. But, like all men, once they have grown up, they leave the home to start their own lives.
YOU GET WHAT YOU ASK FOR
Ladies, it is necessary to look toward the question "What Do Guys Want" to understand the implications that this question has on your life. On the surface it appears to be a harmless question; one that you would hope would have a simple answer. But the very nature of the question places a great deal of stress and anxiety on you as women, making you solely responsible for the success of finding and maintaining a relationship. This simple question reveals how you view your role within a relationship; the “What do guys want” question at a subconscious level is really asking "How do I please a guy?" The entirety of your search for a relationship and the quality of that relationship completely hinges on your ability to make him happy. This is a very subservient view of relationships, one that is not balanced, and is one that will not lead to a fulfilling life with someone. Think of it in this way, if you enter into a relationship with the idea that you are fully responsible for the relationships success or failure and you are giving it everything that you have; 100%, what do you think this equation will lead to?
100 x 0 = 0 ; Remember, any number multiplied by zero will always equal ZERO!
So why place this pressure on yourself? You must recognize that if you are constantly seeking out partners that are not as committed as you are to making the relationship work then you are playing a zero sum game that will only end with you encircled by your girlfriends consoling you after your latest relationship crash. Ask any mother on the plant how thankless a job mothering is, perhaps you’re a mother yourself. You know your child loves you but at the same time they have no idea of the value you as a mother hold to their very survival. The guy that you are dating or looking to date is no different. He may really care about, he may even love you but, he will never understand the value that you have.
WHAT SHOULD I BE ASKING?
Well, before we present the all important question that you should be asking yourself, you need to first begin by shifting your belief that it is 100% your responsibility for your relationship to succeed or fail. Now, understand that you are not entirely at fault for thinking the way that you do about relationships. American society has created a very distorted view of what a relationship is, just turn on any television, radio, read any newspaper or magazine and you can see that Americans are being programmed through a bombardment of subliminal suggestions that tell us that relationships are casual experiences that don’t require commitment or responsibility. Sending the signal that relationships are not to be taken seriously. This can even been seen in the colloquialisms associated with relationships for example: “A relationship is a two way street.” Or “Relationships are 50-50.” There and many other sayings and though they seem harmless enough they really distort our unconscious view of what real relationships should be. Let’s spend 2 minutes exploring what these saying communicate to people on a daily basis. If a relationship is a two-way street then you are essentially saying that not only are the partners not even in the same car traveling together down the same road but, are merely passing by each other on the road of life, each going a separate direction and only crossing paths for a short time. Relationships are not two-way but are rather one way streets traveled by two people who decided to take a road trip together in the same car. Additionally, relationships are not 50-50 either. If you entered into a relationship and each partner gave 50% then what you would get is 25% satisfaction. Only 100% times 100% effort will yield 100% satisfaction. Not to mention that 50-50 indicates that you are only willing to invest a portion of who you are to your partner and reserve the other 50% for anything other than them; which is a selfishly motivated relationship. That being said, you still need to take partial responsibility for your current view of relationships and begin to look at more meaningful way to view them and what your role is within them.
So then, what you should be asking ladies is “What do I really need out of a relationship?” Be very specific in what your needs are. List them on a sheet of paper and number them in accordance to importance. Once you have your list, review it and cross out any of the needs that you can live without. Continue to review your list, removing the ones that you can live without during each review, continue the process until you get down to the top 3-5 needs. If you do not cross any off of your list that is okay too. There is no limit to how many needs you can have or how many you can live without. The idea is to create a list that completely represents what needs you must have met by the relationship. Once you have completed the list and narrowed it down label these as your non-negotiable needs. Now that you have identified what your needs are it would be a good idea to envision your life as a married women. Picture the man that you are married to and describe his characteristics (not physical) but rather who he is at the core; is he funny, caring, loving, political, religious (what religion), kid friendly, etc… Continue to describe your husband until you have a great vision of who is and how he fulfills your needs. Once you have completed this exercise you can stop seeking to please a guy and instead begin to align your life with a man who values you and wants to contribute to your relationship.
Now this is clearly not a comprehensive guide to dating but is rather an invitation to begin to think of dating relationships in a different way; if you have any questions please feel free to email me at www.focusedwise@yahoo.com or leave a comment on the blog and I will do my best to address it.
Above all remember this, you deserve to have a fulfilling relationship and you do not have to settle for a guy who does not meet your needs when there is a MAN out there who is waiting to share his life with you…
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